this summer, I plan to make images that feel like this with my friends.
the why
my earliest photography memories include me and my little sister posing for disposable 35mm and forgotten 110 cameras. we are tiny in Little Mermaid tshirts and you can tell im the shy one. i stifle a smile and fold my arms across my chest in many of these photos. my sister's mouth is wide open. her arms outstretched to take on the world.
after that i remember being a little older and on the other side of a polaroid one step. my older sister and her friends coordinate their pose and fuss with their updos. a lacquered index finger directs me where to stand. they're beautiful and i'm just excited to be included.
the years fly by and i lose or break as many cameras (of all kinds!) as i collect. in my late 20's i'm collecting old manual SLRs and experimenting with instant film. i still primarily shot on my mobile phone or the Minolta Freedom Zoom 90 i picked up at a Goodwill in college. the pandemic gave me lots of time at home to experiment with developing my color negatives. i even figured out how to develop b&w negatives with coffee.
i still don't fully know why i've kept taking photos over the past 3 years. in that time i had stopped doing everything else. i stopped seeking joy; i stopped believing in fulfillment; i stopped giving and accepting love because i could not understand the point in doing anything, ever, for any reason. more than that--i didn't want to do anything for any reason ever again. i neglected myself in the ways that mattered most. but i kept shooting.
why did i keep picking up cameras? i do know that part of me hoped to force myself into making sense of the growing pile of dingy cameras and obsolete peripherals in my closet. i remember plans to make a record of what was supposed to be the beginning of something new that i couldn't...verbalize. or something familiar stuck at the tip of my tongue.
looking back, now, i understand that i was fully documenting the break down of the structures that made up my life. i kept picking up cameras because i was terrified and otherwise frozen. photography feels wholly mine and familiar and comforting and safe. now i understand it's critical role in my healing and grasp of the world around me.
in those three years i’d forgotten what i know deeply: that i can create my own safety and provide my own comfort. now i know that this is how i'll make it through, and this seems as good a place as any to document that.
Live Music w/ an old digital point & shoot
I bought an old digital camera off eBay. Then I took it with me to a show. Because, why not?!
